Brits always add a Touch Of Class to Award Ceremonies

After the 'big yawn' of the latest around of Award Shows which were so predictable, totally unfunny (except for Chris Rock) and full of tedious speeches thanking  countless executives who none of us have ever heard off (and hardly care about) comes a perfect example of how to really accept an Award properly.

It's British (of course) and from 1994 when actor/comedian/playwright and something of a National Treasure, Spike Milligan was given a Lifetime Achievement Award by the British Comedy Awards.  Milligan was best known for  being the co-creator, main writer and a principal cast member of The Goon Show the most successful radio show in the UK in the 1950's and in many ways a precursor to the Monty Python gang who also specialized in absurdist and eccentric British humor.

As Milligan accepted the Award he refused to thank anyone as he said he achieved it all on his own, and then Jonathan Ross the Presenter went on to read a special note of congratulations from a very important fan who couldn't attend the festivities.  Halfway through listening to all this praise being heaped on him, Milligan butted in and called the writer 'the little groveling bastard' which immediately brought the house down.   The letter had been written by none other than HRH The Prince of Wales, who we sure would have loved this response too.  (Milligan later faxed the prince, saying "I suppose a knighthood is out of the question now?")

Of course we Brits always know how to make people remember that we are real 'old-school' stars at Award Ceremonies, even when we may have had a little (!) too much to drink before we come on to the stage to announce the winner.  And who could possibly be annoyed with Elizabeth Taylor the very epitome of Hollywood Royalty when she got confused.  After all, as she reminded us, she was more used to winning Awards than handing them out to others.

The Best LGBT Movies of 2015 (part 4) : Lesbian

Last,  but by no means least, in  queerguru's pick of LGBT movies for 2015, here is part four : the very best lesbian films of the year seen through the eyes of a queer man.

1) A Girl At My Door  :   This rather wonderful introspective psychological thriller unfolds at very measured pace with a pitch-perfect nuanced performance as Yeong-nam by Doona Bae (better known to us for 'Cloud Atlas' and 'Sense8').  It is an inspired first feature from Korean writer/director July Jung who is fearless in tackling many social issues that seem even more catastrophic in such a small close knit community like this, but she does so in a restrained and well-thought out manner and is careful not to just let it all simply lapse into melodrama. It's an extremely impressive debut from a country that rarely tackles story lines where the protagonist is LGBT, and deservedly so she picked up three nominations for her efforts when the movie premiered at Cannes Film Festival including one for a coveted Queer Palm Award.

2) Liz In September  : This rather wonderful drama set on a glorious Venezuelan beach has the remarkable advantage of having the beautiful Patricia Velasquez (best known for 'The Mummy' movies and 'The L Word' on TV) as it's rather stunning star.  As Liz the womanizer and good-time girl, she is cool and somewhat serene, and it is immensely rewarding watching her transition to someone who is so surprised and delighted to have fallen in love like this. Her crucial central perfect performance acts as an anchor for this wonderful ensemble of women who fill the screen so delightfully. Even with the inevitably sad ending, the journey to reach that point is such a rich and joyous one.

3). Tig : It's not unusual for comedians to use their stand up routines as a substitute for a session with their therapists as they use their audience to unburden all their woes too. Tig Notaro however went much further than most when she went on stage to do her usual act one night in the Largo Club in L.A. and she simply blurted out to the somewhat startled packed crowd 'I have cancer!' What followed in the next hour was one unprecedented remarkable set where Tig brought everyone up to date with her extraordinary turn of events.  This is heartbreaking documentary of her roller-coaster life in the following year which had to get a great deal worse before it could even start to get better.  But it does and you can eventually put your Kleenexes away.

4) All About E : is an intriguing Australian lesbian movie that ticks a lot of boxes as it is an energetic crime-caper road movie with a beautiful exotic looking heroine with a very romantic streak that has some very sensual girl-on-girl action. This impressive first feature film from writer/director Louise Wadley which packs a lot in, plays really well mainly due to convincing performances of the two female leads Mandahla Rose and Julia Billington who really sizzle together particular in their scenes of intimacy which is a marked highlight of the story.

5) The Summer of Sangaile This second feature from Lithuanian filmmaker Alanté Kavaïté is achingly beautiful with it's lush country landscapes which seems the perfect setting for this gentle coming-of-age story. She captures the sheer innocence of these two young girls who although they come from different sides of the tracks and have opposing personalities, still seem a perfect match. The graphic scenes of intimacy between the two of them have elicited some ill-founded comparisons with the very explicit 'Blue is the Warmest Color'. The Summer of Sangaile is much more innocent on so any levels, and all the better for it too.

6) Portrait of A Serial Monogamist : There is nothing more sadistically funny than watching the opening scenes of a movie witnessing the protagonist dumping her girlfriend of five years. She is just the last new recruit into the ever expanding group of 'exes' that Elsie has managed to accumulate over the years. This rather delightful dramady written and directed by newbie filmmakers Christina Zeidler and John Mitchell has more than its fair share of comedy thanks mainly to a spirited performance by Diane Flacks as the complex and confused Elsie.  She is charming and quick-witted enough to (almost) get away with her rather shabby treatment of other people in her life with her funny barbed comments made straight to camera.

7) Of Girls and Horses : Everyone, including the horses, gets 'found" in this very gentle lyrical coming-of-age tale which is quite a change from German filmmaker Monika Treut who usually opts for much tougher topics for her movies. The pace is slow and unhurried leaving time to soak up the both the rather wonderful countryside, but also the young girl's awakening when they both discover what seems to have been the missing element in both their lives so far.  First class performances from both young leads Ceci Schmitz-Chuh and Alissa Wilms.  The horses were pretty good too.

8) A Gay Girl in Damascus : The Amina Profile : Sandra Bagaria a French Canadian Jewish girl from Montreal went online looking for love.  She thinks she  truck gold when she hooked up with a Syrian/American lesbian called Amina who is currently living in Damascus. What follows in this fascinating documentary is an extraordinary true tale of deception that went way beyond the usual 'enhancing' of one's online profile to snag a partner, into something that had serious and somewhat scary political connotations and so much more.

(Gay) Men on Football

It's a myth that gay men simply DO NOT like football.  Well sometimes! Check out this totally hilarious (and extremely political in-correct) video from 1992 by Damon Wayans & David Alan Grier 'In Living Color' : it is queerquru to a T.

Elvis & Nixon

On December 21st 1970 Elvis Presley, the King of Rock 'n Roll, turned up at The White House in Washington uninvited and asked to meet President Nixon.  Elvis's luck was in that day as one of the Presidents Aides was a huge fan of the singer and told his boss that such a meeting may help his ever flagging popularity, so Nixon agreed.

What Elvis had come to do was volunteer to be made a "Federal Agent-at-Large" in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs as long as he could have an Official Badge.   We're not sure if he got one but before her left that day he gave the President a Colt 45 pistol and some photos of himself.

As looney as this all seems, it is in fact a true story and the iconic photograph taken at the time has subsequently  become the most requested item in history from the Smithsonian National Archives. Now it has become the basis of one of the most highly anticipated new movies of 2016 starring Michael Shannon as Elvis and Kevin Spacey as Richard Nixon.  They do after all have a great deal of leeway with the script as history has seen proved that these iconic figures where not only two of the 20th Century's most important Americans, but they were also both also 'away with the fairies' some of the time too

Here is the first trailer of the movie that will be released in April 2016

Old Spice for Legendary Man

Those advertising peeps over at Old Spice have always been a tad wacky with their efforts to keep one of the world's oldest men's aftershaves relevant and popular, but this time they have really excelled themselves with the creation of 'Legendary Man' who gets all his powers by a liberal sprinkling of Old Spice Dirt Destroyer.

Then when it comes to Old Spice Odor Blocker ...... well that will help Legendary Man just rocket away.

We are not sure how much Legendary Man has been splashing all over him, but we do suspect that the people who dreamed him up must have been drinking the stuff too (maybe mixed with Vodka?)

Wanna A Reason to Avoid The Gym?

Actually when it comes to avoiding the gym then the guys at Dude Perfect can give you loads of good reasons why you should avoid the place at all costs in this hilarious video of theirs.

So take a leaf out of queerguru's book and maybe take a well earned rest to think about this whole exercise thing much more.

Barbie REALLY parties on New Years Eve

If there is one night a year that even Barbie gets wasted, then it's New Years Eve. Not only does she behave more 'real' than any of those 'housewives on reality TV shows, but she gets laid by Ken too.  This fabulous 'stop and motion' video is by Sam and Mickey who's You Tube channel promises "more dirty Barbie stop motion films than innocent minds can handle".

From the mouths of drunks and children......

We vowed we would never use the T word once in these pages but we came across two hilarious videos that we wanted to share as what is currently happening in the US Presidential Campaign is so Tragic, we need to laugh with the sheer hope that we may just wake up Tomorrow and realize that it has all been just a bad dream.

Meanwhile here are actual words coming out of the uncontrollable mouth of the Leading Candidate for the Republican Nomination but acted out in this video by your drunk next door neighbor, and they are a perfect fit.

If you have been questioning the IQ of this particular would-be-President, you will know it's hard to guess it exactly.  BUT here is a good clue, in this second video his actual words are read out by an 8 year old boy and suddenly they make much more sense.  Sort of.

This Is How We Jew It

Detox Icunt, known mononymously as Detox, is a shiksa lucky enough however to be dating a super cute, 5’4,  hairy Jewish boyfriend.  When he invited her over to his parents house for the holidays, Detox got a bit of a shock to find there was no Christmas Tree and the kids were spinning dreidels. 

However, she wasn't thrown for long and soon found her inner Barbra Striesand and and quickly learned This Is How We Jew It!

P.S. The track is taken from the new Christmas Queens album, which sees Drag Race favorites including Sharon Needles, Violet Chachki, Miss Fame and Katya lend their voices to a range of festive tracks.

Top Ten Campest Christmas Movies EVER

Christmas is the campest of all the holidays we celebrate : it is all shopping, tinsel and sparkly baubles and the season of both joy and sheer excess, and should always be a total blast. To help you plan to have a gay old time this December 25th, we have trailed our extensive queerguru Movie Library to give you our pick of the Top Ten Campest Christmas Movies Ever.

À l'intérieur (Inside) If you are big fan of horror flicks, then this is a real sick Christmas one for you. If this not a genre you like then STOP READING NOW. This exceedingly nasty French movie made in 2009 starts with a baby dying in utero in a car crash on Christmas Eve. This becomes one total bloody fest as one very pregnant woman attempts to stop a stranger in her manger from cutting her unborn baby out of her tummy before it’s fully cooked. It’s on this list as it is as camp as hell. Literally. Click Here to Buy.

A Merry Frigging Christmas:  This is one of the last movies that the late great Robin Williams made, and although is is not one of his finest performance, the film’s mix of elements of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” and “Bad Santa” is very amusing This mad-cap comedy also stars Candace Bergen, Oliver Platt, Lauren Graham, and Jeffrey Tambor. Click Here to Buy.

Ernest Saves Christmas. Santa travels to Orlando to pick his successor before his magic runs out. When he arrives, he just happens to meet Ernest, a bumbling taxi driver who is filled with holiday joy. Ernest drops Santa off so he can meet with the next Santa, Joe Carruthers but forgets Santa’s magic bag in the trunk. This very silly comedy is a great way to just laugh that excessive Christmas Day dinner off.   Click Here to Buy.

Go. This is a wonderfully funny action flick that follows several separate storylines on one very strange Christmas in Los Angeles and Vegas. For purposes here it’s worth noting that the most Christmassy of the storylines involves insanely hot Timothy Olyphant as a drug dealer in nothing but sweatpants and a Santa hat who holds Katie Holmes hostage.   Click Here to Buy.

Gremlins. The star of this movie is the mogwai who is a small, furry, fictitious creature that looks something like a cuddly teddy bear with the ears of a rabbit, a Bambi-like nose, eyes as round and deep and dark as glass buttons, a sweet disposition and a physical nature more unstable than hydrogen gas. When Rand gives one to his son Billy (who fervently does not believe in Santa) as Christmas gift, all hell lets loose in their small town.  Silly fun. Click Here to Buy

Meet Me In St Louis. Christmas without Judy Garland would be unthinkable and the best one of her movies we think you should watch over the holiday is this classic film, which is one of her very best. After all. MGM promoted this as ‘Technicolor Romance of Gaiety and Song’. Exactly!    Click Here to Buy.

Miracle On 34th Street. The original version made in 1947 (and the ONLY one worth watching) earned this Santa Claus played by Brit Actor Edmund Gwenn, a Best Supporting Actor Oscar (one of 5 Academy Awards the movie picked up)  and it still never ever leaves a dry eye in the house.   Click Here to Buy

The Nightmare Before Christmas. In Tim Burton’s delightful animated movie Jack Skellington, king of Halloweentown, discovers Christmas Town, but doesn't quite understand the concept. A wee gem of a film.  Click Here to Buy  

The Silent Partner. This camp almost forgotten Canadian gem from 1978 stars Christopher Plummer as a very hammy psychopath Santa Claus whose attempt to rob a Bank is foiled when the timid Teller (a very young Elliot Gould) beats him too it. Also stars an almost unrecognizable John Candy and Suzannah York. Click Here to Buy. 

White Christmas. This list would not be complete with one of the all-time camp Christmas movies that in 1954 Paramount claimed was ‘the most fabulous music and mirth show in motion picture history’. Starring Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye but our favorite track is Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen singing the original version of "Sisters".    Click Here to Buy.

Jennifer Saunders is Vyle .....

If you simply cannot wait until next year to get a fix of Jennifer Saunders aka Edina Monsoon when Absolutely Fabulous the Movie is finally finished and released, then we have a tip for you. Check out The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle which was a British TV sitcom that aired in 2007 and which followed both the on-screen and off-screen life of fictional TV talk show host Vivienne Vyle, played by Jennifer Saunders. 

The program follows Vyle as she tries to balance her newly ascendant fame with her personal life. The series was written by Saunders and psychologist Tanya Bryon and was  lauded as "a dark comedy and a show-within-a-show", The BBC described the show as "Ab Fab meets The Larry Sanders Show with quite a bit of Ricki Lake and Oprah thrown in".   

Saunders made just six episodes of the show which also aired in Canada and the US (Sundance Channel) before it quickly disappeared. However it garnered something  of a cult following due not to just Saunders, but also some of her co-stars and guests that included an hysterically funny performance by Miranda Richardson, plus Harriet Thorpe & Paul O'Grady.

Most of the programs are now available on You Tube and here is a hilarious clip from the final episode when she is forced to admit that her screaming queen of a husband is really gay!

Bianca Del Rio To Take Home

If you've missed the fierce and funny Bianca Del Rio's Rolodex of Hate Tour (how could you?) then here's a chance to see it in the comfort of your own home where you will be perfectly safe from some of her very sharp and hilarious barbs.

This RuPaul's Drag Race winner just cannot hold back with her rapid vitriol that spares absolutely no-one, and she goes on relentlessly "There are 25 people in a remodeled Pizza Hut waiting to see me. I have to do this show!"

Filmed live in Austin, Texas this Fall, it will be available as a Comedy Special exclusively on Vimeo from December 2nd.  

P.S. queerguru caught up with Mis Del Rio a while ago so just click HERE  to read what she told us about life and love in her very fast lane. 

Two Naked French Men & A Couple of Towels

Timing is everything as these two French chaps will testify.  We thought as everyone needs some distraction right now, it would a perfect moment to revisit their live performance on French TV when Les Beaux Freres bravely danced juggling with just a pair of towels, and their dignity, in this hilarious routine.  We know that you will be just waiting for them to drop them.

Chevalier : May The Best Man Win

An intriguing new Greek comedy pulled of an unexpected coup at the London Film Festival last week beating out a whole host of prestigious new movies to pick up the Best Picture Award.   Directed and co-written by Athina Rachel Tsangari, it is the tale of six male acquaintances who take to the high seas on a private yacht and embark on a rigorous series of personal and physical challenges to see who is the best and worthy of the title 'Chevalier'.

The individual challenges which these man take very seriously range from the farcically mundane, like assembling an IKEA piece of furniture,  to the more highly personal such as when the men verbally arouse each other to compare erection sizes.  It all boils down to simply who is the most macho, something that so many men can and will relate too, although in this instance, the results are highly amusing and positively surprising.

No date has been set yet for the movie's general release : watch this space.

George Clooney gets all dragged up in Hail Caesar

The Triple Oscar Winning Coen Brothers have just released the first trailer of their latest film which sees George Clooney dragging up to play a big 1950's Hollywood movie star in 'Hail Ceaser'.  If that alone is not enough to get you worked up, then we should tell you that it also stars Tilda Swinton as a hard-bitten journalist, Scarlett Johansson in a mermaid costume and Channing Tatum tap dancing on a table

Clooney plays Baird Whitlock, one of the studio's biggest stars, who is kidnapped while shooting a big swords-and-sandals epic also called 'Hail, Caesar'.  In addition to the four names already mentioned, it also features Josh Brolin, Frances McDormand, (aka Mrs Joel Coen), Jonah Hill and hot up-and-comer Alden Ehrenreich.   If you love Coen Brothers when they play funny like in 'The Big Lebowski' and 'Burn After Reading' we think you will love this one too.

Expect to see the movie in theaters in February 2016.

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10 of The Best Coming Out Movies

To celebrate National Coming Out Day queerguru picks 

10 of The Best Coming Out Movies 

1) The Way He Looks : An award winning Brazilian film written and directed by Daniel Ribeiro about a blind schoolboy and his virginal innocent friend who are slow to realize their feelings for each other.  Tender, with some neat touches of humor, none more so than when Gabriel insists that Leo learns how to dance. What does make it all so compelling is the captivating performances of the young lead actors, particularly Ghilherme Lobo who was so pitch perfect as Leo.

2) Out In The Dark : From LA-based Israeli newbie director/writer Michael Mayer, a heart-string- tugging story of forbidden love between an Israeli and a Palestinian in Tel Aviv where the later risks his life if he comes out to his Arab family back home. It’s all the more remarkable that after all the horrors the pair go through, that the overwhelming feeling that one comes away with from this compelling and enchanting film, is of hope.

3) In The Name Of :  Polish LGBT movies are a great rarity and this one from writer/director Malgoska Szumowska is a remarkable and unpredictable drama that deals with a repressed Catholic Priest’s personal struggle with his homosexuality. Brave, controversial and extremely moving: like (No. I in our list) it won a prestigious Teddy Award for best LGBT film at Berlin Film Festival.

4) Free Fall : This rather compelling debut feature from writer/director Stephan Lacant about forbidden love in a very rampant homophobic community is a  hot and steamy German tale where one straight trainee Policeman discovers that probably he shouldn’t be getting married to his pregnant girlfriend after all when he has a very physical relationship with one of his colleagues. Very well written, and beautifully acted.

5) Beautiful Thing : From 1996 this wonderful British film version of Jonathan Harvey’s hit stage play about two gay teenagers finding themselves and each other in a Council Estate in London. Young Jamie is escaping sport hours, to avoid being the victim of his comrades and  Ste, his neighbor, is beaten by his father, and comes to sleep overnight. They discover new feelings, sleeping in the same bed.

6) Circumstance : This coming-of-age story from first time director Maryam Keshavarztells is of two teenage girls, who are best friends, dealing with all the restrictions of growing up in Iran today.  The girls are exploring their emerging sexuality as they become part of Tehran’s underground party scene. Superb, if not scary, look at some of the conflicts and struggles in contemporary Iran.

7) Beginners : Christopher Plummer’s Oscar winning turn as newly widowed 75 year old Hal who declares to Oliver his son that he is now gay and is determined to make the most of the time he has left.  Written and directed by Mike Mills and evidently based on his own father's life. Sweet and very funny.

8) Edge of Seventeen : Directed by David Moreton, this sentimental story set in small town America in 1984 teaches High School student Eric that love and sex are not the same thing and he almost goes back into the closet. Great period piece, well acted and a neat happy ending.

9) Mixed Kebab : Bram a good looking Belgian/Turkish 20 year old gets thrown out of his family home in Antwerp when he comes out although his father is happy to house his other sons who are crooks which is far better than being gay. An intelligent drama from writer/director Guy Lee Thys that becomes an entertaining romance.

10) White Frog : Nick, the youngest son of a wealthy Chinese/American family tries to put the pieces together of his older brother’s life after he was tragically killed in a car crash and discovers that he had wanted to ‘come out’ to him before he had died. Very endearing.

Julianne and James get Bold and Lyrical

The more we see of James Corden hosting The Late Late Show on nightly on CBS, the more we grow to love him. He manages to persuade the most unlikely major Hollywood stars to take part in his tomfoolery, and they not only seem to be lining up in droves to be on the Show, but they all throw themselves into the spirit of it and appear to be having such a blast in his silly, but very clever, skits.

This Monday it was the turn of Oscar winner Julianne Moore and heartthrob John Stamos act out a scene from a soap opera 'The Bold and the Lyrical' using nothing but Taylor Swift (cheesy) lyrics.  At one point, Julianne quotes “Someone Like You,” with the James calling her out on the mistake, saying: “I think that’s Adele, Good song though!”   Julianne in particular is a very good sport and the whole thing is hilariously funny.

Matt Damon plays 'dress up' with James Corden

queerguru doesn't usually like to boast (!) but we had one up on fellow Brit James Corden last night when he confessed that hadn't seen Ridley Scott's latest Hollywood blockbuster 'The Martian' as it has not been released yet.  We have though as we caught a press preview .... and surprised ourselves by how much we loved it .... our full review will be published tomorrow.  However James Corden went one better than that of course and he got to play 'dress up' with the movie's star Matt Damon.  The two acted out Matt's entire movie career in under 8 minutes.  It was hilariously funny and totally spot on.  Except for bit about The Martian, but then James was at a disadvantage and could only guess.

You CAN Make It (thanks to Pot Noodles)

Every boy should be able to not only have a dream but be able to make it happen too.   This particular British one just dreams about boxing.  We see him lifting weights, jogging and working out with a trainer as if he is going to be the next Rocky, and then one day he finally achieves his dream and reaches Las Vegas.  The rest is magical.  Literally. 

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Kudos to the marketing guys at Pot Noodle for this totally inspirational gender-bending advert : it's a real gem.

The Incomparable Dina Martina

The incomparable and hysterically funny Dina Martina has described herself as a tragic singer, horrible dancer and surreal raconteur. Trust me she is all of those and more, but ever since she first exposed her bizarre performances to a startled world back in Seattle’s Center on Contemporary Art in 1989 she has accumulated legions of devoted fans who have dubbed her “magically warped”, “hilariously unfortunate” and “utter genius”.  She is in her own words totally ‘off the charts’. 

Absolutely packed with ludicrous song, horrifying stories and overburdened costumes, Dina Martina’s shows are impossible to adequately describe, other than that they’ve become synonymous with jaw-dropping pathos and mind-blowing comedy. This unique and unpredictable performer is very much an acquired taste, but it’s one that we at queerguru love to indulge in, so we were thrilled (and a tad apprehensive) when the great lady agreed to take tea with us as the summer drew to a close.

QG: Thank you for taking Tea with me this afternoon Miss Martina, could you describe exactly where we are and what you are wearing for our readers?

DM: Thank you. We're in my suite at the Laguardia Airport DoubleTree Inn and because this is a print interview, I am wearing jeans and a camisole. The camisole is from Victoria's Big & Tall Secret.

QG: How did you spend your summer this year?

DM: I spent my summer performing in Ptown (Provincetown, Massachusetts), which is so full of tradition and heritages. It's the first place the Pilgrims stopped in the U.S., but they moved on to Plymouth 'cause nobody goes there so parking's real easy. Ptown is also the nest egg of American Theatre, so it's crawling with celebrities. On any given day, you could be eating sandwiches with Joan Collins or disco dancing with Fatty Arbuckle and the Pointer Sisters.

QG: You are back in Provincetown for your 11th season, what keeps bringing you back?

DM: First off, two words: saltwater taffy and award-winning fudge! Second off, it's such a charming little finger of land, it'll steal your heart and your soul. A lot of the locals say Ptown's best kept secret is the great white sharks, but I think it's the ticks. Oh, and the biting flies are always a perineum favorite. 

QG: You are quite unlike any other entertainer we have ever seen, how would you describe your own performances?

DM: My mother told me if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all – so I don't. But what I will say is that if you come to my show, you may or may not see the following: white carriages under the stars, live violin dubstep routines, shivering girls in short skirts and high heels, one of those old, beat-up school buses with chickens on it, and an elevator that only goes down.

QG: Many poor scribes (like me) fail to do you justice, what is your favorite review?

DM: I can't pinpoint a specific review, but there are press quotes that stand out: "As graceful as a Coke machine moving about on a hand truck", "She looks like Liza Minnelli and Liz Taylor hit with a brick" and "Dina comes from an alternate reality where female superstars resemble walrus prostitutes".

QG: After the Show the other night many of the ladies and young men were talking about your unique fashion sense, do you have any tips that you could pass on?

DM: For myself, I enjoy a snug fit to better showcase my ballpark figure. I find that if it fits like sausage casing, you feel more alive. Vive la tourniquet! 

QG: When you go home at night is there anyone else there to keep you company besides Phoebe your daughter?

DM: One night, a few years back, there was a woman who was standing in the corner of my bedroom, but she left through the window when I turned my lamp on. Other than that, I'm just in love with Show Business. Of course, there was a time when I enjoyed gentlemen callers, but that time is done and we all die alone.

QG: Why is it that of all the awards you have won, your movies that are part of your show have never ever been nominated for an Oscar?

DM: I'm guessing it's just a clerical error, but I can't say for sure. Thank you for mentioning it, though.

QG: As you write all your own songs (or ‘alter’ others) do you have a new album out?

DM: Yes, I have a new just-released, soon-to-be-finished album titled Dina Martina: Haunted by Maritime Tragedies. I'm so proud of "Maritime Trads" because it's got a real pan-Asian vibe; more so than my 3 previous albums (Dina Martina: Street of Dreams/Blunt Force Trauma, Dina Martina: Anthem of a Fur Trader's Wife, and the Christian rock album, Dina Martina Deuterockin' Me).

QG: You’ve appeared at Soho Theatre in London 3 times now, if your British fans nominated you to be the next Queen, would you stay and accept?

DM: Those are some mighty sensible shoes to fill. I think I'd rather start small, like Court Jester, and work my way up. There's less dissention in the ranks when you're promoted from within.

N.B. those Press Quotes are 100% real…..

www.dinamartina.com